I’m reading Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat Pray Love author)’s new book Big Magic. It is a fabulous journey exploring the relationship between fear, creativity, inspiration, and life. Here is an excerpt of a letter she wrote to fear.
“Creativity and I are about to go on a road trip together. I understand you’ll be joining us, because you always do. I acknowledge that you believe you have an important job to do in my life, and that you take your job seriously…But I will also be doing my job on this road trip, which is to work hard and stay focused. And Creativity will be doing its job, which is to remain stimulating and inspiring. There’s plenty of room in this vehicle for all of us, so make yourself at home, but understand this: Creativity and I are the only ones who will be making any decisions along the way…You’re allowed to have a seat, you’re allowed to have a voice, but you’re not allowed to have a vote…above all else, my dear old familiar friend, you are absolutely forbidden to drive.”
It can be hard to talk back to fear, to allow it, without letting it run the show. Fear likes to be dictatorial. It lives in the land of cognitive distortions, so it is full of globalizing, catastrophizing, shaming, and emotional reasoning. “This will never work,” “If you do this, you will never have enough money to live on,” “Who do you think you are?!” “You are a fraud, and they are going to find out eventually, so why even pretend you’re not?” “This is the way things have always been, so this is the way they should be.”
In my own recovery I had to learn to identify the voice of fear, like a subtle click of the clock, tick tick tick, always whispering in the background of my mind. I had to notice this was part but not all of me. In my work with clients, I help facilitate separating out the voices of fear and also of the eating disorder (sometimes shortened to “Ed”). They are often quite similar in tone. This is an important aspect of recovery, and of cultivating the courage to be your full self, because it allows you access to the other pats of you. Fear and Ed do not like you to be aware that you have other parts to yourself. They speak loudly, and try to run your life. OK, sometimes they speak quietly. Actually, they’re quite sneaky that way: they morph. Sometimes they are so quiet that you can’t even hear them talking to you, because it is more of a niggling, silent belief that colors your whole world view. For example, it might not say this, but rather imply strongly as a silently pervasive belief, don’t even try because you are going to fail. Before you act on this belief, it is important to take opposite action. Jenni Schaeffer, in her book Life without ED, writes about the importance of learning to Disagree and Disobey the Ed voice:
When you are trying to begin your separation from Ed, it is important that you first recognize Ed’s rules in your life. You must be able to distinguish between standards that Ed holds for you and healthy boundaries that you set for yourself. You must realize that Ed’s rules do not make sense. For instance, many of Ed’s rules contradict each other. On one day, Ed tells you not to touch that ice cream or dare drink that soda. Then, the very next day, Ed says, “Eat that entire gallon of ice cream, and drink three cans of soda. Eat as much as you can until you feel sick.” Ed’s rules are designed to harm us.
After you are able to recognize Ed’s rules in your life, you must try to disagree with and disobey them. Even if it seems impossible for you to actually disagree with one of Ed’s rules, you must still try to disobey him. If you are able to break his rules no matter what, you are taking a huge step toward separating from Ed. Disobeying Ed means you are moving in the right direction. Don’t expect it to be easy.
In the beginning of my recovery twenty years ago, I would say this to my ED voice every week when getting ready to attend my recovery support group:
You can come if you want. You are welcome to ride the bus with me to get there, you are welcome to attend the meeting. You don’t get to decide if I go. We are going. I show up, now, regardless.
And then I would go to my support group. Every week. For the record, Ed kept trying to convince me otherwise:
“You haven’t had any eating disorder behaviors in a week (a month, 6 months,…), you don’t need to go!”
“You just had a hard day at work. You already did your job today. You need to rest. Just skip it this one time.”
“You’re fat.” (Ed’s answer to every question and reason for not participating in any and all aspects of life.)
My Ed voice doesn’t do this anymore because it knows it has been banished. It’s not driving the bus, car, or whatever vehicle you want to use as a metaphor for the-part-of-the-Self-that-is-driving-decision-making. However, fear is still here. Fear says
“You don’t need to do your spiritual practice today – just sleep in.”
“You don’t need to write. It is too tedious, it doesn’t pay, your favorite publisher is closing down, no-one reads anymore, anyway… “
But the thing is, writing makes me happy. Not euphoric-happy; but content-happy. Clear-happy. Free of resentments and the cumulative-gunk-of-living-cleared-out happy. My first year of recovery I worked in a recovery book store. Sometimes, when I had to open the store early, I would not have time to write before coming in. The owner of the store (who was also my friend and inspiration for getting into recovery) would know the days I had written and the days I hadn’t. He would say “STEER CLEAR OF HER” and bring me coffee on the days I hadn’t. 🙂
Writing is like recovery, meditation, or any creative practice that you show up for on a regular and consistent basis. It gradually, subtly, integrates the shit (compost, anger, resentments, fears) into new sprouts. And these sprouts grow into plants (or not – some of them die and that is appropriate). And the plant that survives becomes the tree of who you are and who you are becoming. It brings the gift of hard-won persistent and regular work. It makes you more authentically you in a subtle but essential way. It wears down your anxieties, softens your fear. It uses your sadness and grief as a way into the interior of your (and other’s) Hearts. When you show up to the page, day after day, month after month, year after year, you become real. Velveteen Rabbit real. And by the time you become Real, you don’t care anymore what the Ed-voice or the fear-voice have to say. They can’t stop you any more. You have found the Real-ness. That is the Big Magic.That is recovery.
“Fostering our children’s creativity, we are fostering
our children’s spirituality as well.”
-Julia Cameron, The Artist’s way for Parents
It’s been Spring break this past week. The challenge for parents everywhere: WHAT TO DO ALL WEEK with no school? One challenge for me as a parent is not planning anything. I’m a planner. I like to have things mapped out. But kids and the right brain (and kids are right-brained) do not plan. They are not operating according to the calendar, the clock, or the latest apple device on your wrist. Here is something that emerged spontaneously this week after seeing a log with a fairy door in it in our local park:
- We also made a Roly Poly house from an old honey pot filled with dirt and leaves.
- We’ve also made about 5,000 Lego “microbots.” Microbots are tiny robots made from Legos. Who knew (except for parents of Lego-fiends).
Here’s the point: If you follow the thread of your child’s creativity (which you can see by watching them play), it will lead you to magic. It will lead to that place where your hearts are connected. As the Child Psychologist Gordon Neufeld (co-author of Hold On to Your Kids, 2006) talks about, kids don’t run away from home. Kids run toward home. Home is their heart. If you don’t stay connected with your child’s heart, they will go elsewhere (drugs, eating disorders, their electronic devices) to find it.
But what if playing with your child bores you to tears? Here are some thoughts:
- 1) Fully engage in play in a way that engages you as well as your child. (I was seriously into that fairy house. So much fun. I think my child might have picked up on that 🙂 ) Your child wants to connect with you. Show them it is possible to find the vein of gold in play and creativity and this gives them permission to find theirs.
- 2) Plan in lateral passes. I think that is the right metaphor? I don’t watch football, but apparently, there is a way to pass the ball sideways in which you hand it to a team-mate? Anyway, what I’m trying to say is get support and “hand off” kid playing and creating to other caregivers, whoever they may be (your souse, your mommy friends, your children’s grandparents, your nanny…). No-one can play for 8 hours (except kids – let them. This is how their brains develop). I know you need to do the dishwasher, the laundry, go to work, oh, and by the way, take a break. Patty Wipfler, the fabulous director of hand-in-hand parenting, recommends 10 minutes of special time per day with your lttle one. Anyone can do it for ten minutes. Then you can lateral pass.
- 3) Do your own creative practice. Do it regularly so you can stay connected with your own emotions and creativity. I’m not talking about “being an artist.” I’m talking about writing in a journal for 5-10 minutes a day, or collage-ing, or dancing, or going to a yoga class, or meditating, even if it is only for 5 minutes.
“Someone once asked Somerset Maughham if he wrote on a schedule or only when struck by inspiration. “I write only when inspiration strikes,” he replied. “Fortunately it strikes every morning at nine o’clock sharp.”― Steven Pressfield, The War of Art: Break Through the Blocks & Win Your Inner Creative Battles
If you need to get up before everyone else, do that. If you need to hire a babysitter, do it. If you need to tell your co-parent: “I need 10 minutes before dinner (or after the child/ren are down in bed) every night,” DO IT. This is self-care for mamas, which is usually the first thing to go down the toilet. Get your self-care back to the top of the list. And practice it every day. If you are a planner, like me, go ahead and schedule it 🙂 Your emotions will have an outlet and your dreams will (re)emerge to you. You may feel happier, less bored, or not quite as angry. If so, everyone will benefit.