Category Archives: letting go

Why Elsa speaks to recovering women

I Never Knew What I Was Capable Of Frozen Poster

 I’ll admit I am quote late to jump on the “Frozen” Disney movie  bandwagon. I do have a feminist bias against all things Disney Princess (see the book Cinderella ate my daughter for a fabulous exploration on this topic). However, finally watching the movie, I was pleasantly surprised to discover the character Elsa to be quite a good role model in some ways:

1) She’s not trying to keep it in anymore.

“The wind is howling like thus swirling storm inside- couldn’t keep it in-heaven knows I’ve tried.” *

What is “it” for recovering women? Well, many things: her stomach, her anger, her grief, her power, her voice. There comes a time when “keeping it in” doesn’t work anymore.

2) No more good girl.

“Be the good girl…conceal, don’t feel don’t let them know. Well now they know!”

Although being pleasing does have its assets, when it is at the expense of ones self, it is not sustaining. Being “good” becomes pink icing on a pile of rotting unmet needs.

In recovery, we learn that being authentic is the sustenance to our lives. What does this mean? It means risking “when you stop people pleasing, people aren’t pleased.” It means you practice trusting that having a self and your own needs will not leave you alone in an ice storm.

3) She went to nature to nourish her  soul.

“I am one with the wind and the sky… My power flurries through the air into the ground. My soul is spiraling in frozen fractals all around. And one thought crystallizes like an icy blast. I’m never going back the past is in the past.”

When Elsa left her childhood home, she discovered freedom in nature in being herself fully. She discovered letting go and releasing the past to the past. Nature has a way of allowing acceptance of all parts of the self and the cycle of birth, death, and the entire experience of the life in between. This allowance can create expansion and letting go of old stories about yourself and your life.

However, Elsa did find herself in a barren landscape, which leads to where Elsa got it wrong:

4) You do not have to isolate to be your authentic self.

Elsa created an ice storm of isolation from the fear of being herself and owning her power.  She was so afraid of hurting people she loved by being herself. But what she learned in the end (this is the recovery process of discovering and recovering ones self) is that you can be yourself in all of your powerful glory in a way that  benefits both you and others. You do not have to “keep it in,” “conceal,” or create a raging ice storm spewing out harm. How?

Listen to your feelings and needs.

Use your power in a way that expresses who you are and why you are here in this planet. Use this power to connect rather than isolate or hurt. And, as Elsa learned from her dear sister, you do not have to and cannot do this alone.

5) And last but not least, it’s not the Prince’s job to save you. Save yourself.

(But It’s ok to ask your sisters, brothers, and community to help.)

* All quoted words lyrics from the song “Let it go” by Idina Menzel

Addendum:

Elsa-frozen

If Elsa were not a Disney character, she would also have a realistic body size and shape. There is still more work to be done in that area. For a great article showing more realistic waist sizes of Disney Princess’s,

see: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/10/30/disney-princess-real-waistline_n_6076634.html

The Binky fairy

IMG_0519Once upon a time, I thought parenthood was a fairly straightforward and linear process. I thought if the child was slow at something like completing potty training or letting go of their pacifier, it was basically because the parent wasn’t doing what they were supposed to be doing, usually according to the timeline some expert had written in a book.

Eighteen years ago I also thought recovery from an eating disorder would be a straightforward journey. If I could just get a handle on the food-thing, and the body-thing, that would be the end of it. Poof! Everything all better! (More on that later.)

Then I had a child that was unbelievably attached to his pacifier. If there were a pacifier anywhere within a two-block radius, he would find it. No matter if it was waaaaaaay under a couch or say, a monster truck, he would find it and it would be in his mouth before anyone had time to say, “Wait (let me at least rinse it off…)!” Other children choose the breast, the bottle, potty training, sleeping through the night, talking… to take their own sweet time in learning or letting go of. And, as every parent discovers, the way to make this holding on stronger is to fight for control. (Have you ever tried to force a toddler to poop in the potty? As Dr Phil would say “How’s that working for you?”)

So all this to say, my child chose to hang onto the pacifier. Or, as he named it “nukey” (nooh-key). As a parent and Psychologist, I went through all kinds of fretting over whether I was teaching stuffing/”pacifying” his feelings, ruining his teeth, delaying his speech, ruining future capacity to empathize due to blunted affect (I’m not kidding- there is research on this), etc… I made space for him to cry or have angry feelings in transition times. I consulted Pediatricians, Developmental Psychologists, and Dentists. (They all had different opinions). I was ready to be the one to initiate letting-go-of-nukey process many times. My husband said, “Nobody goes to college with their pacifier.” I believed this around nobody going to college in diapers. However, I really wasn’t sure it was gong to happen with nukey. I thought, you know our child MIGHT actually bring his to college.

Until.

One day my boy woke up and, in the middle of playing, said, “I’m ready to say bye to nukey.”

I said ‘What?!”

He repeated himself.

I asked him if he knew that would mean: all the nukies would go away and he wouldn’t ever have them again. We talked about the binky fairy bringing his nukies to new babies.

He said he understood. He then proceeded to say how he needed a box. We decorated it. We put all of his nukies in the IMG_1450box. We wrote a letter. And then we left the box for the binky fairy and went to bed without any nuksies.

I was ready for meltdowns. I was ready for the fall out. I was ready to pull out the one I had hidden in reserve. But there was no need; he was ready to let it go.  He was ready to let it go, and so he did (which, for the record, is what the Developmental Psychologist said). Life soon rushed in with new challenges and opportunities.

So what the heck does all this have to do with eating disorder recovery?

Early in my recovery from an eating disorder seventeen years ago I thought I needed my eating disorder and other obstacles (depression, darkness, isolation, loneliness) to be “deep” and “creative.” I was literally and emotionally trapped in the myth of the starving (and restricting and bingeing and purging) artist. And yet very few paintings emerged when I was in the midst of my eating disorder. Nonetheless, I continued to hang on. I held on even as I was trying to let go. I held on for as long as I needed to hold on. And then, when I was ready, (with my own support team ready with metaphorical binky fairy boxes) I let go. I didn’t need it anymore. I had other tools. Not surprisingly, that year was my most prolific period of painting. This healing expression led me directly into pursuing a Master’s degree with a focus in art-as-healing and beginning to assist others in their recovery process. Later I was called to earn a doctorate in Clinical Psychology. Though my plan  (with the eating disorder) was to be a suffering artist, that was not the plan life called me to live my way into. When I lived my way into letting go of “this food-and body thing,” being a suffering artist was no longer the goal. Assisting others in letting go of the suffering was. My eating disorder actually led me directly INTO the freedom of recovery and living a depthful and creative life of meaning. But not in the way I had originally planned.

What’s in the way IS the way

I often work with my clients on what purpose their eating disorder is serving. Until that need is met, they’re usually not ready to let go. If the eating disorder is helping manage anxiety, other tools need to be added and practiced. If it is postponing grief, or helping comfort loneliness, grief and loneliness need to be allowed in. If it is helping in a scary or difficult transition (adolescence, motherhood, loss of relationship, marriage or divorce), other ways to walk into and through the unknown of becoming this new person need to be welcomed. I once had a client use the metaphor of her eating disorder being a “blankie,” a comfort blanket that had grown thorns and barbs. It started out as comforting and then turned into something that repeatedly harmed her, even as she turned to it for comfort. Facing the loneliness she had been avoiding was no longer as painful as holding onto the “comfort” of the eating disorder.

As you begin to look at what goals, intentions, visions you have for 2015, I would encourage you to invite creating WITH your obstacles on the way to letting them go. What obstacles would you like to “go away”? Invite support for letting go of the obstacles and consider “What’s in the way IS the way.” Miracles await. As Carl Jung has been quoted as saying “God enters through the wound.”

Or as Glenda the Good Witch (the adult version of the binky fairy?) said to Dorothy in the Wizard of oz when she asked “Why didn’t you tell me all I had to do was click my heels three times and say there’s no place like home?”

glinda the good witch

Glenda responded “Because you wouldn’t have believed me.”

(As always, the purpose of this blog is to be inspirational toward recovery, and not serve as psychological treatment.)

The Library Book (Holding on and Letting go)

Before I had a child, and before recovery, I was someone who ALWAYS finished books. Even if I didn’t like them. If it was nonfiction, there was something to be learned by the end of the book, and I might miss it. It might be the secret instruction in the manual of life that would turn the key to (insert topic here: being a better therapist, being more recovered, learning how to deepen spiritual practice, understand theories of psychology or physics…) If it was fiction, again even if I didn’t like it, I might end up liking the character by the end of the book. There might me some redemption or twist that turned the story…

Sometimes, in my life, I struggled with finishing other things or being with endings, knowing when it was time to hold on and stay with and when it was time to let go and release: funerals, graduate school, the dissertation process, relationship endings.

Drop2(1)This past week, for I believe the first time ever, I returned a library book UNFINISHED. It was actually a good book, a parenting book that I would recommend to parents, to colleagues, to clients. And yet the book was something else I needed to get done that never got done. And I thought, hmmm, is this something I would regret not finishing if I were dying? And the answer was, No. Is it something that is giving me pleasure or assisting me in reducing my or other’s suffering? Is it helping me be a better parent, therapist, wife, person? No, not really. It has some good advice, but it’s not anything that I haven’t already been exposed to in other early childhood trainings. So on our weekly trip to the library, along with my son’s books he was returning, I put it in the slot. And the weight of relief was immediate.

There are other things in my life I would rather not finish or show up for that I need and actually want to now: endings, difficulties that lead to growth, showing up for greater connection and competence on the other side of fear. Those are opposite action practice. Those are important. The library book? Nope. That is not one of them. Halleluiah for letting go.

And you?

Where do you need to hold on and stay with; where would you like to give yourself permission to let go?

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