So I haven’t been blogging here. I do have three blogs coming out soon (stay tuned!) on eating disorder recovery sites. However, in reflecting on my 12-month Butterfly Project for the year, I’m coming back to the intention of: Stay engaged with the process.
In other words, as they say in recovery, don’t quit before the miracle. Or, as Dr. Brene Brown says,
“Stay in the arena!”
I need to remind myself of again and again: in therapy with my clients, in parenting, and in the life-long process of growth.
With my clients, who often struggle with shame if they slip in their eating disorder recovery, we constantly need to re-frame slips as part of the process. Slips are not a detour. As they say in my little one’s school, Mistakes are how we learn.
In our house, when someone drops/spills something by accident or my little one (who has just started writing) makes a “d” instead of a “b,” we say “Hooray! I made a mistake!”
It sounds so easy, but it is not. Simple, but not easy. Re-engage-ing with the process, again and again. I love how Glennon Doyle Melton, mom, recovering bulimic/alcoholic, and author of two memoirs and the blog Momastery has this motto in her household:
“We can do hard things.”
And another relevent peice for recovery and parenting:
“Most of life is boring. What are you going to do/make of that?”
If you have an answer for you, please feel free to leave a comment. I welcome them. And stay tuned as I re-engage with the process!
I stole the Opposite Land game from the most time-honored parenting resource of all: another mom. Here’s how it works: When you are going somewhere or doing something that requires a certain kind of behavior, visit opposite land first. So for example, before we go to the regular grocery store, we go to the opposite land one. In opposite land grocery stores, all the kids ride on the carts flinging their legs and feet into the aisles, toppling cans and boxes off the shelves. They race around banging into people, don’t say excuse me, and throw eggs out of the carton. They fill the cart up with cookies, chocolate, rainbow sprinkle doughnuts and NO GREEN VEGETABLES. Never. Not Ever.
This technique works if you really get into it and are silly, authentic, and loving. Then your kid knows your intention is to connect and stay connected with them. Kids are right brained and have not yet left the land of implicit knowledge, of being deeply connected with their bodies and felt-sense of another person. So if you’re not authentic and silly with opposite land, they will see right through you and know you are just trying to get them to behave in the grocery store (which, of course, you are, but in a child friendly and respecting-ly, playful way).
A Random Confession related to Opposite Land and Never Eating Tomatoes:
My child is a picky eater. Even though I am a HUGE advocate for the intuitive eating, there-are-no-bad-foods, philosophy, I still relapse into encouraging, bordering on nagging, my child to eat vegetables. As you can imagine, sometimes I “win” a particular battle, but I never (Never, Not Ever 🙂 ) win the war. My little one is all over implicit knowing on that. I know you are trying to get me to do what you want, but I am not going to leave what I know to be true in my body and my preferences. So I keep returning to presenting the food, being playful with it, model-ing eating vegetables, but not forcing them.
I recently was given a book in another great chain of motherhood wisdom (also known as passing-along-stuff-please-help-me-clear-a-little-space-in-my-house). It is fabulous. In it, Lola, the younger sister of Charlie, states that she won’t eat carrots (they are for rabbits), peas (too small and green), and:
“I absolutely will never Not Ever eat a tomato.”
Her older brother, well versed in opposite land and creative, playful parenting, assures Lola that they are not eating carrots, potatoes, peas, or fish sticks. They are eating “orange twiglets from Jupiter, cloud fluff, green drops from Greenland, ocean nibbles from the supermarket under the sea…” You get the idea.
As you can imagine, by the end of the book, Lola is experimenting with trying all kinds of new foods, including the dreaded Never Not Ever (re-named moon-squirters) tomatoes.
How does this apply to You?
(Parents, Non-parents, and people recovering from Eating Disorders, Depression, Anxiety or General Self-Hatred)
Opposite Land looks different for adults. It includes such blasphemous ideas as:
“You ARE good enough.”
“All foods are possible to eat without guilt, including chocolate cake.”
“Recovery from an Eating Disorder (Depression, Anxiety, General Self-Hatred) is possible.”
“Mistakes are allowed.”
“You can be loved the way you are.”
“There is nothing wrong with you.”
“What happened in your family of origin was not your fault.”
“It is okay to feel angry, sad, ashamed, or insecure.”
“You are not bad.”
I get it- these may seem to live in a fantasy world if you are accustomed to believing the opposite. They may seem even more preposterous than eating cloud fluff or orange twig-lets from Jupiter. But considering the possibility can be the beginning of believing it. Having a trusted loved one (spouse, therapist, supportive peer) help you in this process can be the most healing. You may even, like Lola, decide that you can sometimes, Not Always but Not Never, have the experience of being Good Enough. And that can be even more phenomenal than eating a moon-squirter.
Special thanks to Lauren Child and Candlewick Press for permission to reprint the beautiful images from:
I WILL NEVER NOT EVER EAT A TOMATO. Copyright © 2000 by Lauren Child. Reproduced by permission of the publisher, Candlewick Press, Somerville, MA.