A Recovery Story
We are reading The Velveteen Rabbit (by Margery Williams, originally published in 1922) in my women’s eating disorder recovery group this week. I find this book to be even more relevant for adults – especially women who struggle with people pleasing, body image distress, or “looking good” on the outside while feeling shame on the inside. If you haven’t read the book, go read it. Read it to your little one; read it to yourself.
In the Jungian dream tradition of Every-aspect-of-the-story-is-an-aspect-of-yourself, I offer the following:
The little boy is your “inner child” and/or your core, essential self. It is the part of you that is not afraid of vulnerability and loves with a fierceness that is clear and unclouded with doubt or fear. This part of the self wants to connect, is playful, and has all of her feelings. This is the part of you that has the capacity to be dependent, interconnected, and fierce in attaching. This is the part of you that is not afraid of love. This part says, “Stop it! He isn’t a toy. He’s real.” This part is fiercely protective of vulnerability and life. This part knows very clearly who and who is not safe, according to a nonverbal heart-sense.
The Expensive Mechanical Toys
This part of the self is very well polished. Most airbrushed magazine images represent this part of the self. Many Politicians present this part of the self. It is an inflated, idealized version of the self often not in touch with its shadow aspects or vulnerabilities. Any addictive or expensive behaviors that feed feelings of “not enough” come from this part of the self trying to maintain its polish. The desire for the “perfect” body (house, relationship, career, Super-mom-ness image) – without having to feel any feelings of inadequacy – comes from here. This part of the self “boasts about [itself] and snub the rabbit for being made of cloth” in order to not experience shame.
The Nurse Maid
The Nurse Maid is an aspect of your critical self, or Superego. This aspect of the self is big on “tidying up,” thinks feelings are “a bother,” is very concerned with being “grown up.” This part thinks the boy (your inner child/essential self) makes “a lot of fuss over a toy” (your feelings and interdependency needs).
Yet another version of Super-Ego-dom, the Doctor is the adult authority who has lost touch with his own body and heart-sense. It is the doctor with no bedside manner who says the rabbit is “a mass of germs. Burn it right away. You can always get a new one.” The doctor may have vital pragmatic information to share, so it is important to take into account. However, it has lost her vital connection with vulnerability, and therefore needs to be only consulted in conjunction with and not at the expense of other parts of the self.
The Fever (Dis-ease)
The fever is any kind of dis-ease that comes with a message for you. Your Eating Disorder is a fever. Postpartum Depression is a fever. Anxiety, adrenal fatigue, irritable bowel syndrome, and immune disorders can be seen as fevers. Grief is a fever. “Fevers” or Dis-eases, come with messages for creating more ease. They ask that you listen to the bodily and emotional aspects of the self to which you have not been tending. Dis-ease often calls for rest and less achievement-oriented productivity. The fever forces – (or offers the opportunity for) – aspects of the self that are overly-concerned-with-being-productive to pause, so that more contemplative, creative, and wise aspects can emerge.
The Other (Real) Rabbits
Often these parts of the self feel separate from you, because they appear to be others. You may feel ambivalent or jealous toward them, because it appears they have what you want and you don’t have it. However they are actually showing you what is possible for you (to recover, have what you want, be authentic). Although they may appear to be showing off, these authentic beings are actually just being themselves when they dance, whirl and jump. They are showing you it is possible and lighting the way for you to live your way into it.
Some might call this aspect of the Self your Higher Power. Like Quan Yin, the Bodhisattva of Compassion, it is born from the tears of suffering. This part of you is always with you, especially when you are feeling most alone or when you “hit bottom.” It is the hope that is born from despair. This part lights the way for you when you have lost your way. to the light. When you surrender to, when you re-member to, this part of your Self, magical and transformative things happen.
The Skin Horse
Last, but not least, is the Skin Horse, the Wise part of the Self. It is kind, discerning, and has an inner glow. It often has a wrinkled face, saggy arms, and love handles, as it is difficult to become this wise in your early years. It is the part of your Self with whom you feel safe, and perhaps a tiny bit afraid. This part is compassinate and also doesnt take any BS. You are not going to be able to convince this part that a new wardrobe, the Paleo diet, or the latest juice “cleanse” will make you feel better/authentic. This part of the Self knows the Real deal and the Real deal is about becoming Real.
“Real isn’t how you are made,’ said the Skin Horse. ‘It’s a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.’
‘Does it hurt?’ asked the Rabbit.
‘Sometimes,’ said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. ‘When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.’
‘Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,’ he asked, ‘or bit by bit?’
‘It doesn’t happen all at once,’ said the Skin Horse. ‘You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”
-Margery Williams, The Velveteen Rabbit
Here’s to your Real-ness, Dear One.